no me platiques más

 i don't want you to text me

i dont want you to text me anymore

please stop

it kills me everytime

but i also dont want you to leave

i miss having you around

and hearing about your day

listening to your voice

makes me feel closer to you

the thing is

we both know we shouldnt talk

we shouldnt have start talking in the first place

i shouldnt have looked at you

trynna guess your nationality

and you shouldnt have to talk to me

to know if i was looking your way

we shouldnt

—----------------------------------------------

it was so easy to fall for you

i didnt even notice and then

i fell

it was so fast but i didnt feel it coming

two days in and i was yours

—-----------------------------------------------

i tried to keep it cool

but i missed you when i left

we kept in touch and your touch felt so comfortable

but all i was thinking while i was gone

was to come back

to troia

to you

—-----------------------------------------------

i was expecting you to be close to shore

for my arrival

but you werent

and maybe that was foreshadowing was was to come

—-----------------------------------------------

i still went to see you afterwards

i coulnt hold it

you felt it too

we wanted to be around each other so bad

but late at night we talked

and i couldnt have planned for it

—-----------------------------------------------

(pause) 

I'm sorry

I'm writing bits and pieces as I go along

I'm not trying to make sense of anything

just writing what I think

if anything made sense you’d be here with me

—------------------------------------------------

I'm writing now

because I stopped before

tryna catch up with what I was gonna say

(I don't even know what to say to you) 

—--------------------------------------------

you said you liked me

that I made u nervous, you were shaking 

feeling 23 again, you said

and I? 

I was falling for it

for you

but then

I'm engaged came out of your mouth 

I couldn't think straight 

you started saying that you guys relationship was not so great

that you didn't feel desired 

that that was maybe interest in her part in you having money

all of this shit

I shushed you 

I didn't want to listen 

I didn't want to be the reason why you reconsider your relationship 

the reason why you’d put it in danger 

the reason to leave

(as if that was ever gonna happen) 

—----—----—----—----—----—----—---

I have so much to say but when I try to put in words they just slip through my mouth 

and my stomach is sick 

twisting and turning 

I have such a beautiful memory of you and I don't wanna ruin it

I don't want to hate

don't make me hate you 

don't text me no more

you know why

cause of her

cause of you

cause of me

you know why

cause you won't stay

cause you never planned to leave 

cause I won't believe you

ever

—-—----—---—----—---—----—---

stupid little me to fall for a guy in a couple days

I wasn't thinking I was just going 

I missed talks, and people and opportunities because of you

cause I wanted to be with you

and I don't regret it

not a bit

I'd take all the time I spent with you 

all of it

and I take it

with me

everything 

every look

every smile

every touch

everyday

I miss your smell

I know you liked mine too

having your jacket on was the safest I felt

I slept with it 

holding myself 

tryna keep you close

I missed your hug

that one specifically 

the one we gave when I decided to not see you anymore

we meet on the lawn 

I gave you your stuff

we knew it was over

we said our goodbyes 

you cried

hugged me

said you loved me

and I left

to cry

that hug felt so real

I still feel you in my arms when I think of it

I wished you were still that afraid of losing me

but you already did. 

—--------------------------------------

you said you didn't feel desired

but with me, you did

maybe that's all there was

I was a tool to make you feel better

I meant nothing 

just someone you meet along the way

that made you feel better about yourself 

Im glad I helped 

even know that was all there was too it. 

—--------------------------------------

now I'll tell you something you don't know

that you've been asking yourself for all this time

why don't I talk to you

why don't I answer 

any of your texts

I want to

I really do and you can feel it

but I can't 

(pause) 

when we said our goodbyes at setubal

I lost my bus to Lisbon 

had to wait for another hour

was looking through the phone

the Instagram of the people meet that week

I went to see yours

this time around really see it

cause I missed you face already 

I found your trip to japan

the one you talked to me about

and then

I found her

with you. 

—--------------------------------------

I knew she exists but the thought of her was still so abstract 

there was really no face to it

I didn't see the full picture of the situation until I saw her

—--------------------------------------

she

she just looks like the most loving human being

I couldn't stop looking at you guys together 

how happy you looked

how in love

and then

I fell into your marriage proposal video

the song is still stuck in my head 

I cried the whole way home

I can't do this to her

she doesn't deserve it 

why don't I text you back? 

because I'm in love with you

because I know Im not indifferent to you

because I don't wanna ruin anything

because it's not fair for me to fall deeper in love with a guy that is about to get married

that has a family, a dog, a house 

with this girl

I'm not a jealous person

never was

and there is no bit of me thats jealous of her

cause when I saw that video

I realized she was the one

I was the other one

nothing else

there's no space for comparison 

that was never a place to begin with 

next to you

and you were never thinking of being with me

not because of guilt or morals

but because you love her

and you are a family

Im just a random chick you meet on vacation 

that you wanted to have sex with

I need you to remind yourself of that

whenever you feel tempted to text me

whenever 

I feel tempted to text you back

I watch the video 

I cry

I feel terrible 

guilty, used

and then

I don't text 

—--------------------------------------

you don't know me

that's the truth 

and I can't let you in

not even as a friend

because I don't wanna be your friend

it's not fair for you to ask me that

to put my feelings aside

when you send me love letters, 

love songs, love

we can't be friends

we can't be anything really

—--------------------------------------

even if hypothetically

you love me

you wanted to be with me

then what? 

you'd leave the love of your life for an adventure? 

fine

you'd leave your family behind

everything you know

and move in to Portugal? 

or I'll move there with you

in the place you once called home, with her

living her live

being the replacement 

I'd never feel safe

I'd never believe you d stay 

regardless of what you believe

even without a kiss

you cheated 

and you know damn well

we were close, way to close

not friendly close

and if you can do that to her

what garanties do I have

that you won't do it to me

you asked this girl to marry you in the most romantic way possible

you live together with adorable teo

and I'm supposed to believe 

that any part of you loves me? 

that you could do that to her but not to me? 

again

I don't want you to even consider 

being with me

cause I know you won't

you don't really want to

you'd never

again

it was just hypothetically

so knowing this

I can't talk to you

—--------------------------------------

I'm trying to rip of the band-aid quickly 

I don't wanna suffer more with this

tryna cut you off completely 

but you're not helping 

there's no future for us

not as friends 

not as lovers

I could never be with you 

Id doubt you everytime

I don't need to tell you to stay with her

because you never planned to leave

but out of respect for your relationship 

don't talk to me

don't break my heart into believing that this could ever be something

when I know in reality 

it can't 

I can't be the other one

I won't

and I won't pretend to be your friend

I can't 

don't ask me to pretend we didn't live what we did

don't ask me to be strong enough to talk to you when I know you're sitting next to her

it's not fair

stop breaking my heart

stop texting me

I know you will probably have something to say after reading this

and only then

I'll answer 

but I think you ll be reasonable 

and understand the incompatibility 

of us loving each other

in this conditions

so please

say, ask, what you need

I'll answer 

but then 

promise

you'll let me go

—--------------------------------------

keep myself in your mind

as the girl you once meet

that you perhaps loved 

rock stacking every memory 

balance every single one

keep me in your heart 

as a brief moment

that's now in the past

don't cry

I won't leave you

but I have to go

don't hate me

I won't hate you

I'll keep loving you from afar

te quiero, 

naida